When we get home…

We know it’s going to take a while for our family to get into the swing of things and for all the kids to really jell. We are praying that God will work in the hearts of each family member to bring us all together. As with any blended family, we know there is potential for division amongst the troops, but we’re going to work through, with the Lord’s help, & encourage the kids to be family (they will need to learn what this even means).

Our top priority from an adoptive standpoint will be bonding and attachment with Zhenya, Katya & Kristina. This will not be an easy process for many reasons – they are older children, they have been in an institution for over 5 years, and they have each other (which is a good thing, but also can hinder their attachment to us since they can rely on one another). Hopefully, they developed the ability to bond as infants and toddlers. If so, this process will be much easier for us all. If you have parented an older adopted child, you probably understand what we’re talking about. If not, you might wonder why in the world would I make a big deal over this or you may even think we’re crazy (I know I might have a few years ago!). We are not asking that everyone agree with us or even understand the process we’re going through, but that as our friends and family you would trust our heart, respect our decisions and support our parenting. If you would like to understand more about this, please feel free to ask us questions or for some books that can help you understand what we’re embarking on.

So, what can you expect when we get home?

- The girls will be very tired (maybe for a while as they adjust to their new life). Please greet them warmly with a hug, but do not be offended if they do not respond. They might not hug you back or even speak to you. They will be overwhelmed with emotions and might not warm up to you easily. Please respect their boundaries.

- Keep in mind that our goal is for them to bond with us as Mama and Papa… it’s what life will be centered around for them.  Please let us do all of the care-giving (offering food, consoling, disciplining, offering choices, helping with tasks, etc)

- Please do not give them anything they ask for without first telling them to “ask Mom or Dad” – don’t ask for them. They need to ask! This applies to food, permission, help, anything! They are learning English and can do this themselves.

- Back us up.  If we direct one of the children to do/not do (or eat/not eat) something, please go along with us even if you would do things differently.  When they see you respecting our words to them, they will learn from that example.

- Please do not allow the girls to hang on you or cling to you.  They might want to sit in your lap, hold your hand, or just lean on you, but they must learn to cling first to Mama and Papa.

- Gifts: if you have something to share with them, please give to us first so that we can hand it to them for you… or ask them to “ask your Mom/Dad” if you can give them something.  It´s important that the permission always come from us.

- While the girls are learning to be a part of a family & follow rules and respect our authority, they will have days they are frustrated with us. We will be the ones saying “no, you can’t do that” or “I know you don’t want to go to the store, but we are all going as a family.” In times like these, they may turn to others outside our immediate family as a way of pushing us back. Please do not allow this. It might seem mean, but you need to push them back toward us! For their sake, they cannot bond with people outside of Mama and Papa right now.

- Bearing these things in mind, please do not ask the girls if they would like to go places, do things or attend events. You can ask us about these things, but do not be offended if for the next several months we don’t attend much – we will be staying home a lot! Also, the girls will not go anywhere without us… not until they have attached to us as their Mama and Papa. We do look forward to the day that they can attend parties and events just as other “normal” children can, but that will have to take a back-seat right now.

The girls are learning what it means to be part of a family, to trust and obey us as their parents, to rely on us for everything they need (emotionally & physically), and to bond with us as their mama and papa.

It is imperative that our children learn to seek all permission, affection, guidance, attention, provision (for every basic need), affirmation & acceptance from us first. Only after they have truly bonded with us as their parents will they ever be able to develop healthy relationships in the future. Right now, think of the girls as in the “infant” stage – they have just come home to our family. Only with them, they NEED to LEARN to rely completely on us just as an infant relies on his mother. This is not something that will be instinctual for them. Our desire is for them to come to know God’s love and to develop into healthy adults who have healthy relationships with their spouses, children, friends and family. Thank you for supporting us in this! It will help us all transition smoothly as we become a family.